The way he puts it, bullies are narcissists, and narcissists prop up their self-esteem through the energy of other people. Blame evolution: A study by researchers at Simon Fraser University found that bullying provided an adaptive edge for our ancestors.
Bullies often have high social status and tend not to be anxious or depressed, which Markman attributes to the fact that "successful narcissists surround themselves with people who increase their confidence, then use their power to keep themselves at the top of the heap.
Nowadays the victims of those bullies end up, more and more often, on the therapist's couch. Heather Quinlan, a psychotherapist in Connecticut, has many patients who deal with the mean mom issue: "Whether it's a mom being snarky, exclusionary, judgmental, manipulative or outright cruel, it can cause major distress in the women on the receiving end of the behavior, and creates hugely unhealthy relationships," she says.
Even celebrities, as perfect as their lives may seem, aren't sheltered from mean moms. Chrissy Teigen's refreshingly honest social media presence is a repeated target for mom-shaming , resulting in everything from criticism for a date night not long after her baby was born to reproach of rosy eczema on her daughter's cheeks.
Hilary Duff was chastised for kissing her son on the lips at Disneyland he's four years old. Kristin Cavallari was told that her children looked too thin after she posted a photo of them in swim trunks. All three women used their status and social platform to fight back. Who would want to make someone feel horrible for fun? Apparently, a lot of people. Duff's post, for one, received more than 8, comments. Because the hate, while often masked as looking out for the child's well-being, isn't even necessarily about motherhood—it's about interpersonal habits.
Family members, co-workers, waiters, cashiers—it's just the way they go through life. Wherever it stems from, the aggression has been enabled and enhanced by social media no surprise here. Jona Garrett, 36, of Rogersville, Missouri, says that her first experience with mom bullying was while she was pregnant and joined community boards online.
The women on the boards would shame them, saying that their child would never amount to anything. I was too afraid to ever ask a question. The kids didn't even know what to do with it. In a world dominated by Pinterest and Instagram, is being a mother which women have been doing since the beginning of time, mind you starting to become an endless race towards perfection, lest you get called out for being anything less?
Do we all have to keep up with the clever birth announcements, the gender reveal parties, the elaborate maternity shoots, the professional post-birth shots in the hospital ward? I recently came across a post in my feed of a beautiful blonde woman wearing an off-the-shoulder shirt with MomLife scrolled in gold letters across the front.
It's all a perfectly curated existence, this motherhood thing. For Garrett, Facebook—with mothers posting pictures from every event of a child's life—is partially responsible for the negativity.
So she now tries to add some balance to the ecosystem. When Garrett posted a Facebook video of her daughter crying on the first day of school, she got comments like "this is me going to work" and "that's why we have them—to torture them! I asked my own mother, 61, if she experienced mean mom behavior while raising me and my siblings. She said that the mothers she associated with were just trying to pay their bills, do the chores, and get the kids out the door and off to school.
There weren't platforms for judgement where moms could compare each other. Markman says that living further from our extended families is another reason for the rise of mean moms. In the past, when people tended to live closer to their relatives, you got help as well as day-to-day advice from siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, and parents.
That gave you a sense of whether you were doing it right, which helps to stave off the anxiety of parenting in general. Tell her the truth about motherhood. Your children are watching… is this how you want them to treat each other? How have you been judged as a mom? Have you ever publicly judged another mom? If so, how did it make you feel?
Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. I only ever want my kids to see me lift others up. Thank you times a million for tackling this topic! I am a full time working mom of a toddler and 7 months pregnant with my second. I have literally never been shamed for any choice I have made as a parent- at least to my knowledge.
All I know is- parents who shame other parents seem like real assholes and should be avoided at all costs. Everyone is just doing what they can when they can in the best way they can! This is so spot on!
Between the shame of working full time or only breast feeding for a couple months or the fact my son still wakes up at am every day which is also somehow my fault?? I really appreciate you voicing your perspective and consistently encouraging people to lead with kindness. What a great post for me to read as I enter week 36 of pregnancy with my first child! Thanks Julia! Have a nice weekend! Thank you for this post. I think we have all been guilty of judging moms, I think I did it more before I became a mom.
I feed my baby organic food and I still breastfeed him at 15 months, and sometimes I feel shame in that. I never judge moms if they breastfeed or not. What really matters is the love you give them. I commend all you mom bloggers putting yourself in the public eye. People can be so harsh. Thanks for being strong and paving the way to parenting the best we can do. Moms have enough guilt and shame in their brains without any outside influence.
The internet is not the same as IRL interactions. IRL I have found that moms are mostly nice and supportive! I also loved Daring Greatly on so many levels but maybe the most about perfectionism and parenting.
Such wonderful perspective. Without adequate sleep, kids get sick, grouchy, and sluggish. Some kids are master negotiators, so stay strong! Unfortunately, too many kids these days feel entitled to get what they want, when they want- dessert being one of them. Additionally, parents need to be mindful about the health messages they are relaying to their children.
We are experiencing an epidemic of obesity, and children are not immune. This gives them a sense of ownership and also helps combat the entitlement culture.
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